Days with roses, chocolates and presents, February is what people believe is the month of love. In conjunction with Valentine’s day on the 14th of February, most souls are full of love for their significant other.

Yet, love can be shared with other cherished figures in our life. Other than a romantic partner, love can also be conveyed to family members. The very first relationship we have fresh out of our mother’s womb is a family relationship.

Intimacy is the sentiment of closeness between individuals in a relationship₁. Most, not all, romantic relationships are driven by physical intimacy. All those hand-holding, cheek-pinching, hair-brushing, lovey-dovey kind of moments. 

But, in a family relationship, emotional intimacy is most likely shared between family members. It is in the way we speak and the actions we take to express our feelings, build trust, and especially, reveal our vulnerabilities₂. Being human, having weaknesses is something we cannot avoid, particularly when it is seen by our kin. It affects how close we are to each of our family members.

Going through a relationship has its ups and downs. Sometimes there might be a gap and sometimes it can get worse, depending on how our family members act and react, and to a greater extent, towards our weaknesses. The reality is, not all relationships are made perfect, and it is normal.

Siblings Relationship

A few people from different backgrounds and cultures shared about their emotional intimacy with their families and one perspective to look at is siblings relationship.

Some people have a closer relationship with their siblings. Growing up together, have them feel the sense of similarities in matters like mindset and opinions. “Siblings are focused on sharing and support as much as possible. At the same time, constructive criticism where it is necessary. Most importantly, no personal attacks and no emotional attacks”, says Chew, 27. These actions suggest that family members who show appraisals to each other build more intimacy in their siblings' relationship. GC (59), who is close to his siblings, said that “usually (he) shares (his weaknesses) with them”.

“They embrace it and we laugh, make fun of it together. We show tough love” — Taty, 29.

However, some accept it as it is when sharing their weaknesses with their siblings. “They embrace it and we laugh, make fun of it together. We show tough love”, shares Taty, 29.

While others, might not have a fonder bond with their siblings. They are just afraid to share because of previous experiences, having betrayed their trust, or never having good communication between siblings.

“(I choose) to present whichever side (of my weaknesses) is necessary”, shares one of the contributors. Another person confessed that “(their siblings) make use of it to their advantage, judge or criticise heavily (of their vulnerability)”. This shows the gap and/or decline of emotional intimacy between siblings.

Parents Relationship

Other than emotional intimacy between siblings, it also exists in parents relationship.

Some of them admitted that they have less fond relationships with their parents rather than with their siblings. For they believe that “it’s a generational gap thing, between differences of our backgrounds and culture and how times have changed so rapidly”.

Contrarily, having that needed space in the relationship between children and parents gives them the time to choose which weaknesses they want to share with their parents, as it “might hurt them”. Yet, Chew believes that it is “necessary to talk it out rather than having it pent up for a long time” and that “it is important to let it known rather than leaving it to mind reading.”

Having good communication between parents and children can restore the emotional intimacy in a parent-child relationship. Nonetheless, there are damaged relationships because emotional intimacy is not a goal both the parents and children are trying to achieve. Mostly because of previous dilemmas that have not yet been settled between them. “(I) created thick boundaries with (my mother) and kept it to a surface level”.

Some felt that their vulnerabilities cause discomfort in their relationship with their parents, so they “try to hide (their) weaknesses as much as (they) can.” Thus, not all family relationships end with everyone feeling satisfied with one another.

“… necessary to talk it out rather than having it pent up for a long time… It is important to let it known rather than leaving it to mind reading.” — Chew, 27.

The Verdict

At the end of the day, everybody wants to give love and feel loved by each member of our family. Having positive emotional intimacy is the ideal way of having a family relationship. But the reality is, relationships are not as easy as seen in textbooks. The efforts, actions, and reactions affect our closeness with family members.

As Mother Teresa would say, "Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much love we put into that action”.

Do you think we should have a strong and positive emotional intimacy with our family?

Resources

R1 / R2 / R3 / R4 / R5 / R6