I remember a time when I couldn’t control my emotions and thoughts, and I was confused. I couldn’t understand what was going on and I didn’t have the help that I needed and wanted. I don’t mean just professional consulting, it’s about having someone to willingly and patiently listen, understand, and gently talk to me — judgement-free.

For the longest time, I search for ways to keep myself in check. Stabilise my thought flow, regulate my emotions, and manage my well-being from being out of control. I’m proud and happy to say that with the support, patience, acceptance, and understanding of my four besties; I am stronger. But that’s just for me, what about others?

Why is it challenging for humans to maintain sanity amidst overwhelming emotions? I often find men resist expressing their feelings and thoughts during tough times. Some have shared with me that they prefer to solve their problems independently while others felt judged and avoided emotional expression at all costs, and some felt that their ego needed soothing and not further breakdown.

These observations led me to explore the factors behind our differing experiences in similar situations. While many people have openly shared their stories, I’m particularly interested in delving into the scientific aspects of this matter.

As part of this month's theme on mental health, I had the opportunity to connect with two individuals who have a wealth of knowledge and experience in psychology. Allow me to introduce Terrence Loke Jenn Hann, a 32-year-old counsellor, and Zariv Chew, a 27-year-old part-time lecturer.

How would you define it when an individual’s emotions are out of control?

Terrence Loke (TL): In my opinion, emotions are innate and essential reactions to our circumstances and environment. Although we cannot entirely regulate them, unbridled emotions can disrupt our everyday lives and interpersonal connections.

Zariv Chew (ZC): I would define it as individuals experiencing unfamiliar emotions which in some cases, may hurt the people they love whether through words or actions that are out of character. When it reaches the point of out of control, the individual will feel regret and remorse for saying or doing something. Just to clarify, intentionally hurting others is not considered out of control.

What are some of the common triggers or causes of out-of-control emotions, and how can individuals identify them?

TL: There are many triggers or causes of out-of-control emotions, and they can vary greatly from person to person. It can involve stress, trauma, issues with physical health, lack of sleep, to substance abuse.

Individuals can identify triggers or these causes by paying attention to their thoughts, physical sensations, and behaviours at the moment. For example, if I feel overwhelmed or anxious, physically I may also begin to notice increased heart rate, muscle tension, or avoidance behaviours. When I notice these triggers, I may respond by journaling, talking to a trusted friend or therapist, or engaging in mindfulness practices such as meditation or deep breathing.

It is important to recognize the patterns and triggers that lead to out-of-control emotions and to develop strategies for coping with them effectively.

ZC: Physiological signs such as heavy breathing, frowning, headache, and rough movements (stomping and slamming). Psychological signs such as intense anger, intrusive thoughts to hurt others, and conflicted thoughts to feel remorse but are unable to control the flush of emotions.

Have you ever had a time in your life when you lost control of yourself? If you did, what happened and how did you overcome it?

TL: Of course. I’ve experienced periods of losing control of my emotions such as going through a difficult breakup, grieving the death of a best friend or family member, losing a competition, and more. Every time I encountered these events, I struggled with intense sadness, disappointment, and anger.

In the past, I may choose to suppress or avoid thinking about it. But as I learned and started my training as a counsellor, I slowly learned about the importance of emotional acceptance. Now I would choose to overcome these emotions by practising mindfulness, taking notice of my thoughts and emotions, and expressing them in a socially acceptable manner. I would also cope by seeking support from friends and family, exercising, practising relaxation and self-care, and seeking professional help when needed.

ZC: In younger times, there were instances of losing control when being triggered emotionally. This often involved raising my voice and occasionally hitting things to remedy the negative emotions. After each episode of losing control, it is always a mixture of remorse and regrets for anything spoken or done during the emotional outburst.

Luckily, it is a thing of the past as I tried every single way to try and overcome it. Personally, there are a lot of things that worked such as being more religious and mindful about my actions.

Being religious is not like going to houses of worship or anything; rather, it is about remembering that my actions have consequences. I may be doing something that is emotionally charged and may hurt someone else, whether intentional or not, I am definitely liable for it religiously. It is a sin and something that needs to be changed.

Being more mindful is more towards thinking that when I am emotionally affected, everyone in that situation is 99.99% feeling the same way. If everyone can control their emotions, then who am I to try and express my emotions? I may be angry and mad, but it is just disrespectful to the other person who tries to control their emotions as I am undermining their emotions.

On the other hand, it’s possible that the person eliciting this response is also experiencing being out of control. If I am being angry and the other person also being angry, nothing is being solved. I should be the one trying to soothe anger, not adding fuel to the fire. The world is certainly not revolving around me, hence I should do my best to assist the other person to cool down and calm down.

What can a person do to deal with their emotions in healthy ways when it’s out of their control?

TL: One approach is mindfulness, which involves observing the present moment without judgment. Practising mindfulness can help individuals increase their awareness of their thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations, which can aid in emotion management. Physical activity like exercising is another useful strategy for managing emotions as it can release tension and pent-up energy while triggering the release of endorphins, which act as natural mood boosters.

Connecting with others, or seeking social support is an important factor as well. Discussing emotions with a trusted friend or family member can help individuals process their emotions and feel less isolated. Developing different coping skills is also important as it helps a person manage their emotions in the long term, including journaling, deep breathing exercises, and engaging in hobbies or activities that bring joy.

Doesn't matter who you are, whenever you need help, seeking professional help is also a way to cope when a person is struggling to manage their emotions. A therapist or counsellor can provide support and guidance in developing healthy coping skills and managing emotions.

ZC: Try to always keep quiet in the event of being too emotional. I’m sure that when people are out of control, they will feel remorse, ashamed, and regret as being angry and mad, or even extremely emotional is not who the person is. Hence, the remorse, shame, and regret.

Some people do deserve to be scolded, but that’s a scolding and not a convenient way to remove these negative emotions. When the emotions are getting too much, try to focus on keeping quiet rather than accidentally saying or even doing something that may emotionally scar someone else in the process. Being cathartic is not really a good option every single time as it may teach our minds to associate the feelings of calmness after expressing the emotions negatively.

I’d say that keeping quiet is a way to soothe the anger of the other person as well since there is no fuel or lack of it, no reason for the person to continue being angry. While it may seem simple, practically, it is almost impossible to do so (unless with the right practice and habits).

Are the suggested/available solutions catered differently to men and women? As well as to different races and cultures? If yes, how so? If not, why?

TL: It is inaccurate to assert that there are specific solutions for emotional regulation that are tailored differently for men, women, various races, and cultures. Emotional regulation is a complex matter influenced by a multitude of factors, including biological differences, cultural and social factors, and individual experiences.

While there may be some differences in how men and women experience and express emotions, it is vital to acknowledge that these differences are not universal and can differ significantly from person to person. It is also essential to recognize that cultural and societal influences can affect how individuals perceive and respond to their emotions, which, in turn, can impact their ability to manage their emotions effectively.

Moreover, emotional regulation is not restricted to a specific gender, and individuals of any gender can benefit from developing healthy coping mechanisms and strategies for managing their emotions.

ZC: It is not something which is different to men, women, different races, and cultures. Being quiet is something anyone can do. However, it is not as easy to be done when experiencing intense emotions. When feeling like being angry, keep quiet and think constructively about how to solve the issue at hand best, whether it’s emotion-focused (solve the emotions), problem-focused (solve the problems), or even both. Solving doesn't mean finding solutions that are accepted by everyone. It is an insane job to please everyone. 

On the other hand, when feeling like wanting to cry intensely, keep quiet as well and think about what can be done. Personally, I would say that crying is something that’s not going to elicit remorse or regret feelings. Hence, crying is not something that I would consider a negative thing when emotions are out of control (unless it is used to manipulate the feelings of others, maybe even gaslighting).

Are there any particular challenges or barriers that men face when it comes to dealing with out-of-control emotions, and how can these be addressed?

TL: Certainly there are.

Based on personal and working experience, most of the time challenges that men may face when it comes to dealing with out-of-control emotions include stigma and societal expectations. Based on gender roles, men may be socialized to believe that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness, as traditional gender roles discourage emotional expression. This may lead to feelings of isolation and shame, making it difficult for men to acknowledge and address their emotions.

Therefore this also leads to limited access to resources and support. As men are not expected to be vulnerable, a lot of time it may seem that they don't need it, causing limited access to resources such as therapy or support groups. This can contribute to feelings of frustration and isolation. Men also tend to find it difficult to identify and label their emotions, which can make it difficult to understand and manage their emotional responses if they haven't developed emotional intelligence or had exposure to emotional literacy.

To overcome these challenges and barriers, it is essential to create a culture that supports and encourages emotional expression for men including promoting emotional literacy and education, providing access to resources and support for managing emotions, and challenging traditional gender roles and expectations.

Creating safe and supportive spaces for men to connect and share their experiences, such as men's support groups or therapy groups, can also be helpful. Addressing these challenges and barriers requires a commitment to creating a more emotionally healthy and inclusive society.

ZC: The expectations of being strong, dependable, and emotionally strong; are an extreme view of men. Currently, there is a growing influence of expecting men to show their emotions and be vulnerable because it is considered to be good. In my opinion, this is also an extreme view of men, just at different ends of the spectrum.

Moderation should be the focus, based on individual needs. Different men possess varying levels of emotional strength, weakness, or indifference. To address this, no expectations should be placed on any specific group of people but should be tailored to how an individual should be.

Emotionally strong individuals may not openly express their emotions as they can cope with them, while emotionally weak individuals may frequently share their problems or even be emotionally triggered. Indifferent individuals may be doing whatever they want at the moment.

However, people like to group and categorise people since it is easier that way. Hence, society needs to work on moderation rather than an extreme view of it to try and educate people to see people as individuals rather than a group.

How can individuals develop a sense of self-compassion and forgiveness when struggling with difficult emotions, and avoid self-judgment or criticism?

TL: Developing self-compassion and forgiveness is crucial in managing difficult emotions and promoting emotional well-being. It involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and patience, especially during stressful situations; it also means recognizing that making mistakes and experiencing setbacks is a normal part of life and that everyone struggles with difficult emotions from time to time.

To develop self-compassion and forgiveness, individuals can try various strategies, such as mindfulness, positive self-talk, self-care, and seeking support when necessary. Practising mindfulness can increase awareness of one's thoughts and emotions, leading to a more compassionate and non-judgmental attitude toward oneself. Positive self-talk can encourage individuals to speak to themselves in a compassionate and understanding way, rather than criticizing themselves for struggling with difficult emotions.

Self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time with loved ones, can also promote self-compassion and forgiveness. Additionally, seeking support from loved ones or a therapist can provide a safe and supportive space to share experiences and work through difficult emotions.

By practising these strategies, individuals can develop self-compassion and forgiveness, cultivating a compassionate and understanding attitude towards themselves even when dealing with difficult emotions.

ZC: Moderation in everything. Self-compassion and forgiveness are good. Too much of it is not good. Someone who self-forgives may be a sympathiser for themselves and allow too much leeway for themselves to do something negative (e.g., being out of control). Too little of it is also not good. Self-judgement or criticism is not good. But having none of it is also not good. Self-judgement or criticism is necessary at times to try and be better, to focus on what should be improved on. How to know if it gets to the extreme side? When we tend to ignore personal constructive criticisms of ourselves.

Someone who is too negative will ignore constructive criticism. Someone who is too much of a self-compassion and self-forgiving will also ignore constructive criticisms. Once this happens, it is a sign of leaning too extreme on one of the other spectrums.

What would you say to the reader if the reader is going through a rough patch in their life right now?

TL: If you are currently experiencing a difficult time in your life, it’s important to know that you are not alone. It’s natural to experience challenging emotions, and it’s okay to struggle.

During this time though, it is important to be kind to yourself. Try your best to avoid self-judgment and criticism, instead, practice self-compassion and forgiveness. If you are struggling to manage your emotions or feel overwhelmed, seek support from a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional. We are committed to providing a safe and supportive space for you to share your experiences and work through your emotions.

Finally tell yourself, "Just for now", things will not always be like this. Together, let's try and change will eventually come.

ZC: Forgive yourself and try to focus on self-improvement. If your emotions are out of control, focus on improving yourself. You might say or do something hurtful from time to time but that is alright. As long as you actually improve yourself to get out of this problem, it is alright.

Never stop focusing on what you can do better on. If there is a specific person who elicits out-of-control emotions or even a specific situation, then try to improve our reactions to it. Identify the triggers and work on them, keep a diary or something.  Often, we don’t even know the trigger hence we’ll never know how to improve. It helps a lot to improve on being more in control of your emotions. We might slip here and there but it’s okay. Don't be too hard on yourself and never be too lenient on yourself. Moderation is important in everything.

If you find yourself stopping trying to improve yourself, that is a sign of either exhaustion or arrogance. In this case, try to pinpoint which of them is applicable and work on it first. May everything go well in your life.

The wisdom shared by these two remarkable individuals revealed a truth we often overlook: despite our differences, we are fundamentally similar. It may sound cliché, but it's an undeniable reality. However, with the insights provided, I hold a mixed perspective, both agreeing and disagreeing to some extent with the points mentioned. We may have distinct organs, limbs, and all that sorts of things, but ultimately, our choices shape who we are as human beings.

So, with what these individuals shared here, think for yourself if you agree or disagree with what they said and what is it that you believe to be the best for you.

I hope you’re well and remember, you’re not alone and support is available for you.